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06 January 2005 @ 04:10 pm
Dreams of escape, of a quiet life  
On days like today, when there's a misty rain, it's chilly and wet, and I'm tired, I long to be somewhere else. I long for a different life.

I want a life of creation, not of marking time. I want to create small things. Quilts to keep warm. Flour, to make bread. Butter, to spread on it. I want to live in a warm house, and work there to make it my home. I want to work for my family, not for money, but for a better quality of life.

It's not practical, when I can run down to 7-11 and buy bread and butter on my way home. When I have to be focused on making money so I can pay for all the toys I thought I needed. Why the hell did I spend so much on all of it?

I hear of people starting cooperative farms, going back to a different way of life, and I wonder why I believed I had to live like I do. Why did I think this was out of reach for me? Before my descent into law school hell, I could have changed paths. I could have rejected material things for a more simple life.

Wait, I remember. I thought by going to law school, I could do good in the world. I thought I could save the earth, create a bigger impact by fighting for nature instead of just living with it. That notion was quickly beaten out of me. By the time law school ended, I was just desperate to hang on to my own sanity.

I wish I'd recognized it before. I'm not a fighter. I don't welcome battles. I'm water, not fire.

I can't go back and change things. Rob married me expecting a certain mode of life, and it's not fair to jerk him out of it. And I generally enjoy the life we have.

But if it ends, if I ever lose him, I'm dropping out. No more following the societal model. I'll leave all this, sell the house and furniture, bank the money, and find a new mode of being.

If I'm very, very lucky, I might get the chance to do it with him. I wonder if he'd ever go for it? I wonder if we could give up the things we think we need? I wonder if it would work?

Someday, I want to try.
 
 
 
Mary Lewysmlewys on January 6th, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
*two cents* Quilts, darlin'. Art.

Embrace it. You create beauty with every one of those. I'm not kidding or being nice or anything like that. I'm serious. You could make a living from that which you create.
Elle: Like the sun through the blindstheletterelle on January 8th, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC)
I hope so. I really do. Because when I sit behind the sewing machine and start feeding the fabric through... as long as there's no deadline, I feel at peace. It's soothing. It's wonderful. If that could be my life, then wow.
Mary Lewysmlewys on January 9th, 2005 05:17 am (UTC)
Well, that pesky deadline things going to be a problem. *chuckles* Deadlines happen in lines of work, unfortunately.
Maureen Lycaonmaureenlycaon on January 6th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
I had a similiar dream as a teenager. Sadly, it died.

Hopefully your case will be completely different. If you manage to do it, I want to hear all about it. Good luck!
Elle: Spiderweb beautytheletterelle on January 8th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
If I can get enough land for cheap enough, I can certainly hold on to a bit of it for you. ;) Maybe the dream can be reclaimed.
Merstakebait on January 7th, 2005 08:41 am (UTC)
*hugs* At least talk to him about it. He might like it. Or there might be a way to compromise. Because the alternative, seeking consolation from the very things that trap you for your basic dissatisfaction, sounds like no good at all in the long run.
Elle: Heya buddy...theletterelle on January 8th, 2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
You're right, and you gave me the courage to bring it up today. With a very good outcome. :)

I have hope now. Hope for an exit. Ohhh, I hope.
Merstakebait on January 9th, 2005 07:58 am (UTC)
Yay! *hugs you* Good luck, and keep us posted when you feel comfy with it?