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06 January 2005 @ 04:10 pm
Dreams of escape, of a quiet life  
On days like today, when there's a misty rain, it's chilly and wet, and I'm tired, I long to be somewhere else. I long for a different life.

I want a life of creation, not of marking time. I want to create small things. Quilts to keep warm. Flour, to make bread. Butter, to spread on it. I want to live in a warm house, and work there to make it my home. I want to work for my family, not for money, but for a better quality of life.

It's not practical, when I can run down to 7-11 and buy bread and butter on my way home. When I have to be focused on making money so I can pay for all the toys I thought I needed. Why the hell did I spend so much on all of it?

I hear of people starting cooperative farms, going back to a different way of life, and I wonder why I believed I had to live like I do. Why did I think this was out of reach for me? Before my descent into law school hell, I could have changed paths. I could have rejected material things for a more simple life.

Wait, I remember. I thought by going to law school, I could do good in the world. I thought I could save the earth, create a bigger impact by fighting for nature instead of just living with it. That notion was quickly beaten out of me. By the time law school ended, I was just desperate to hang on to my own sanity.

I wish I'd recognized it before. I'm not a fighter. I don't welcome battles. I'm water, not fire.

I can't go back and change things. Rob married me expecting a certain mode of life, and it's not fair to jerk him out of it. And I generally enjoy the life we have.

But if it ends, if I ever lose him, I'm dropping out. No more following the societal model. I'll leave all this, sell the house and furniture, bank the money, and find a new mode of being.

If I'm very, very lucky, I might get the chance to do it with him. I wonder if he'd ever go for it? I wonder if we could give up the things we think we need? I wonder if it would work?

Someday, I want to try.
Maureen Lycaonmaureenlycaon on January 6th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
I had a similiar dream as a teenager. Sadly, it died.

Hopefully your case will be completely different. If you manage to do it, I want to hear all about it. Good luck!
Elle: Spiderweb beautytheletterelle on January 8th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
If I can get enough land for cheap enough, I can certainly hold on to a bit of it for you. ;) Maybe the dream can be reclaimed.