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20 October 2006 @ 07:55 pm
This is stupid, but I don't know what to do.

I spent most of yesterday doing candidate work. I'm spending tomorrow afternoon doing candidate work. Tonight he called me up and asked me to go out for a drink at a bar near my home (with a bunch of other people). I said I would after he cajoled me. Then I called back and said no, and he said "How'd I know you were going to call back and say that?" (That would be because I nearly always don't go out with them.)

"I told you I'm not a going-out type person," I said.

"Yeah, but this is just a bar, it's not like there's going to be a bunch of people there," he said.

So great. Now I feel guilty for not going out. I don't fucking want to go out. I've been so busy this week, and I want to stay home. I get where he's coming from-- everytime we're together, it's me doing work on his campaign, and he wants to do friends things as well. That's fine. I do appreciate it.

But I don't like to go drinking. I'm bored when they talk about college sports. I want to be social, just much less often than they do. But I feel like if I keep turning them down, they're going to stop being my friends. And it's kind of pathetic, but these are the only friends I have here.

Damn it all.

PS- freak_in_need, I'm going to lie down and try to calm down, but I may end up sleeping through the night. So if you don't see me, that's why.
loracjloracj on October 21st, 2006 12:08 am (UTC)
I would suggest just telling him/them how you feel. You don't mind the occasional hang, but don't really enjoy it all the time. If you're honest, and they are decent people, then they should understand.
Elletheletterelle on October 21st, 2006 12:22 am (UTC)
They're decent people, but they just don't get why I don't like going out. And I don't know how to get them to understand.

I think I might talk to him, though. Or one of the others. And try explaining, anyway.
High-velocity pie of death: aardvarknixieq on October 21st, 2006 12:40 am (UTC)
using the word "introvert" might help, actually. explaining about crowds and noise might also help (not in negative terms, but just "i don't deal well with crowds and noise -- can we do something else?"). also, i think this:

"If you want to bolster the social contact, then suggest a social situation that you might enjoy and invite him to it."

is a fabulous idea. invite him and a couple of the other people over to dinner. or for drinks. or hell, suggest a picnic in the park, now that temperatures are approaching tolerable in floridaland. (just don't sit on any fire-ant nests.)

there is absolutely no reason (other than understandable -- but stupid! grr! -- peer pressure) that you should feel compelled to join them in a situation that you KNOW will make you uncomfortable. and as (hoepfully decent-minded) adults, they ought to be able to respect that you're wired differently than they are, and your limits and interests are different.

(i know that "ought to" and "do" are often very different worlds. but i think if you follow some of the suggestions in the comments here, you'll help them to understand that it's not them, it's the setting.) (well, and the college sports, but there's really no cure for that beyond forcefully changing the subject. >;)
Jer: Crazedlugonn on October 21st, 2006 12:12 am (UTC)
You are allowed to not want to go out with them.

If you want to bolster the social contact, then suggest a social situation that you might enjoy and invite him to it. Then you are seen to want to spend friend-time with him without being forced to do it in his way.

I run into some of the same stuff. Mostly with family members. With my RL friends they all know what a hermit I am and the reason we're friends (and have been for so long), is because we understand each other.

I got this at a funny time. My sister is pissed off right now because I don't want her and her husband and 3 kids to come down and stay at my mom's house while I'm there. I specifically told my mom that I didn't want a bunch of people over - no family parties - nothing like that. It's stressful enough for me to travel without having to deal with the ravening hordes. Usually when I go to my dad's house for these things ... well, usually I don't go. But when I'm finally guilted into it, I arrive late, leave early, and look for excuses to go outside by myself. Hell, last time I was at Dad's I went to the bathroom for about 15 minutes and just sat there doing nothing just so I could get away from everyone. Yet I knew everyone there and there were only 7 people present (including me).

I can deal with "parties" as big as about 4 people. Beyond that I start to get very, very uncomfortable.

Sea World was okay because it was just the three of us and the crowds were mostly ignorable. Even when we were in line (which is where I tend to feel annoyingly crowded), it wasn't bad. People gave us space, I kept pacing around, and I think being outside helped.

With Kitarra, that made four of us - still quite nice. But I have trouble with more than that.

One of my anti-social tendencies ... when I go to a gathering with too many people, I've been known to ignore all of the humans and simply play with the dog for hours until I get to go home.

I actually snuck out of a party one time, hoping no-one would notice how quickly I left because I just couldn't cope with it.

So don't feel guilty about the drinks. Yes, friendships are aided by shared social contact and you want to keep the friendship. So come up with a shared outing that you might enjoy.
Elle: Grr arghtheletterelle on October 21st, 2006 12:25 am (UTC)
I know I'm allowed, but I worry that I'll end up with no friends at all.

I'm with you, too, on the not going out thing. I hardly ever go to theme parks or group outings. The thing with the four of us was nice, because it was a home-type thing. At least, that's how it was for me. Socializing in the home is way less stressful for me than in public.

I always want to leave parties early.

Sometimes being an introvert sucks.
Jerlugonn on October 21st, 2006 12:31 am (UTC)
I don't mind dining out with friends, but I dislike the bar thing. Sitting around a table with drinks isn't a problem. It's the idea that you should go to a "fun" bar which means it's noisy, crowded, you sit at uncomfortable tiny tables with crowds of people jostling your elbows or even worse at the bar where people can't even hear each other spread out in a line.

So for me, I have friends with whom our only real contact is occassionally going out to lunch or dinner together. We spend a couple of hours chatting over a leisurely meal and the friendship is renewed.

As long as I have a quiet, comfortable place to talk, I don't really mind going out. It's the crowds and the noise that make me wince.
High-velocity pie of death: staplernixieq on October 21st, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
One of my anti-social tendencies ... when I go to a gathering with too many people, I've been known to ignore all of the humans and simply play with the dog for hours until I get to go home.

*raises hand* yep, me too. and ditto on the not-more-than-four thing.
Alyssa The Not So Braveverisimilitant on October 21st, 2006 01:42 am (UTC)
I face the same problem. I'm used to occasionally hanging out with friends, but the ones I've made in college want to hang out all the time. What I found that works for me is inviting THEM out to do things I want to do. A meal at home, a movie. Then it's on your terms. When it comes to taking invites, I find every other invite keeps people pacified.
Spam: Captain Jackmadbodger on October 21st, 2006 04:22 am (UTC)
I wish I didn't live so far away...