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22 November 2004 @ 07:27 am
Of dreams, nightmares, order, disorder, evil, and good  
I'm on vacation, and as tends to happen on vacation, I lay down for a nap in midafternoon and ended up sleeping till the morning.

My dreams began sometime in the middle of the night. At first there were standard nightmares. I had classes I never went to, I'd have to drop them and start over, I'd never graduate. I couldn't find my dorm room. There were ones that I can't even remember. The most horrible I do remember-- my family and I were on vacation. As we slept that night, one of my sisters brought herself off on me. I pretended to be asleep, because I was so horrified that I didn't know what to do. I pretended not to know, not to see. Then she and my father... had sex.

Then my father decided to have sex with my youngest sister. In the dream she was ten. My mother didn't know what to do. I told him no, that if he and my middle sister wanted to fuck, that was their decision, because she was of age. But he was not taking the youngest. I called 911, while he screamed that if I called the police, he'd kill my sister. I ran out of the room. 911 put me on hold. I called the front desk instead, and they sent an armed security guard to the room. They shot my father (not dead), saved my sister, and the police came to take my father away.

This was horrifying on more that one level. There's the obvious one, that a father just shouldn't do that to his daughters. And there's the fact that my father has never, ever, EVER behaved in that way. Not to anyone. He's never even indicated sexual interest in anyone other than my mom. He's always been a great dad, and for something like my dream to happen is so out of character that it's hideous. How could a monster like that be my father and keep itself so hidden?

Thank God it's not true. But that wasn't the end of the dreams.

There were further episodes of Buffy that were never written. In one, Buffy had a group of bodyguards, similar in appearance to the X-5s from Dark Angel. They weretrained by a dark knight, absolutely trustworthy. One was her boyfriend. Then he was killed by a trusted man, who claimed that the code had revealed to him that he was evil, trained by evil. The man took the boy's body and tried to get away, but he was killed by the bodyguards' trainers. Before he died, he revealed the code-- that black was good, white was evil, and it could only be found by looking ahead in a person's life to see whether they would fight for good or evil.

The forces of good went on the run. Evil was ascendant, and it sent out its spirits and its armies to take over the earth and destroy good. It came from above, from dirigibles and planes that dropped bombs, while those who controlled them treated it as a video game. It came from beneath, as maleficent, intelligent storms came from the sea. It was all around. Faith the Slayer had been killed, along with so many others. Groups of fighters had pledged themselves to Buffy personally, and many of them had died.

At one point, Buffy and Xander were riding in a car, driven by Wesley. A voice came on the radio-- it was Faith and Buffy's bodyguard boyfriend, singing together. Singing a message. "Don't trust the black and white code. It will betray you."

They were able to find Faith's and the bodyguard's souls, hidden in another dimension. They brought them out, and tried to ask what the song meant. Faith and the bodyguard couldn't answer. But in the end, Buffy and Xander and Wesley figured it out. There was no way to predict for sure. The black and white code could help, but it wasn't an ultimate authority. And they had had people killed on its assurances that those people would serve evil and would betray them.

It was a horrible realization. They had to return to their people and explain.

Buffy had a hard time speaking. Her voice trembled as she held back tears, and she wanted to be strong for them. She wanted to inspire.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you've pledged to follow me, and I've led you into death. I wish I could tell you that's all, that the rest of you are safe. But it's not true. More of you will die as we fight.

"We're fighting more than bad things. More than the evil men do, more than evil men, more than the evil that exists in the beings that comes against us. We're fighting the force of evil itself. And that evil can't be defeated. We can only hope to bind it back for a time.

"But binding it is enough. Binding it allows our families, our people to grow strong, to live and love in safety for a time. When it grows strong again, it will be fought, and others will take up the fight. The time we give them will make them strong, and they in turn will beat back evil. And so the cycle will go on.

"We have to fight. The fight is the victory. If we don't, evil will become stronger and there will be more loss the next time good fights it. Just as good cannot destroy evil, evil cannot destroy good, although it can make it much harder for good to fight it.

"We must win. For our families, for all the innocents that have died, we must win. We will bind the evil, and it will rage, but we will have won. And then, for a while, there will be peace."

I woke up then. And I thought.

Is that true? Is it possible that evil can't be defeated? That it must exist as the opposite side of the coin for good?

I was always taught that no, evil is unnatural. Good is the natural order of things, and evil came in and destroyed that. God allows the results of evil to play out in a stage show for the universe-- this is what happens when evil is chosen. In the end, those who have chosen to fight for good will be saved, while those who have chosen evil will receive its rewards.

I'm not sure I believe either of those.

The state of the universe tends toward disorder. Left unchecked, entropy will create disorder. I don't think it's much of a stretch to identify disorder with evil, and order with good. At least, that's what I'm doing in my thoughts. Therefore the universe's natural state is one of evil. Good must be imposed upon it.

Could such a universe have produced order on its own? Order that resulted in the creation of life? Does the universe ever spontaneously create order, or does entropy rule without an intelligence to stop it?

I believe that order was imposed on the universe. That requires a Higher Being to do so. I believe in that Higher Being as God, a God who loves us as individuals and sent a portion of itself to function as one of us, to find out what it's like to be us. I admit, I believe that because I was taught it. I don't think that's necessarily bad.

For us to behave in a good way, we must impose order rather than disorder. For example, the current invasion of Iraq is not good. It was not meant to impose order-- had it been, it would have been planned in an orderly fashion, it would have happened as the result of an orderly process, and it would have resulted in order, a better order than that which existed. The invasion came from disorderly planning, and has resulted in more disorder on the ground. Evil.

Is it possible to impose order outside a small personal sphere? I think maybe it's not. It's possible to impose order on the universe by one's actions toward persons, which enable them to affect other persons, and so order spreads that way. I think attempting to impose order when one is not able to personally affect the imposition and enactment of that order backfires.

For order, for good to be spread, it must be done locally. Its effects will spread to others, who will in their turn do good, and will thus effect the whole world. It's a grassroots movement, not a top-down movement.

Of course, this all comes to me after a night of bad dreams, while I've just woken up and haven't eaten. It's possible I'm wrong.
Psyche: writhedjpsyche on November 22nd, 2004 09:51 am (UTC)
Don't really have the energy for a metaphysical argument now... just wanted to say, it's actually comforting to know I'm not the only one who occasionally has sex dreams involving my sister. They damn sure do freak me out too!
Drowned Girl Fuschiafuschia on November 22nd, 2004 09:33 pm (UTC)
That is some very intense dreaming. *hug*
_fran_ on November 24th, 2004 08:55 pm (UTC)
Gah, what horrible dreams!

I once read somewhere that all people in your dreams are there to really represent parts of yourself, and are not actually suppose to be them. I don't know if that's true, but sometimes I have thought that it explains a few things when I've had weird dreams. At the same time, I'm not sure that's a consolation in this case ^^